Feeling Lonely – When Buddies Aren’t True Friends

Photo by Athena Sandrini

In modern society, loneliness and social isolation are steadily increasing. Despite constant digital connectivity, more and more people are feeling lonely and emotionally unfulfilled. One of the less recognized causes of this phenomenon lies in the nature of the relationships people maintain today. A key distinction exists between buddy-based, activity-driven relationships and friendship-based, value-driven connections. While the former are often short-term and situational, the latter can provide deeper, long-lasting social stability.

Everyone has experienced this: A person with whom you've shared countless wonderful moments suddenly disappears – whether due to a new partner, a move, or a job change. Were they truly a friend, or just a buddy? This misunderstanding and misinterpretation can be deeply painful.

Buddies: Relationships Defined by Activities

Buddy relationships are formed through shared activities – whether it's sports, work, gaming, or other leisure pursuits. The emotional bond in such relationships arises from the activity itself, rather than from a deep, personal connection with the other person. As a result, these relationships are often situational: When the shared activity ends, so does the emotional bond.

Many people experience this phenomenon when they change jobs or move to a new city, realizing that their former "friends" are no longer part of their lives. In reality, they were often just buddies – people with whom they shared a particular activity for a period, without a deeper connection based on shared values.

Friends: Relationships Built on Shared Values

Friendships, on the other hand, are not primarily based on activities but on shared values and deep emotional bonds. While activities can play a role in these relationships, they are not the foundation of the connection. The core values that define a friendship – trust, honesty, mutual support – are rooted in the individuals themselves and not dependent on external circumstances.

This type of relationship is generally not fleeting, as it is not tied to a specific situation. Even if friends go long periods without contact or live far apart, the emotional bond remains intact because it is built on a foundation of shared values.

The Loneliness Epidemic as a Result of Superficial Bonds

Today's society often promotes activity-based connections: People work in teams, go to the gym, meet in clubs, or engage in online gaming or dating. But when these activities stop, there is often nothing left. The result is a sense of inner emptiness and loneliness.

Another issue is that many people struggle to adapt to new value systems. In a digitally globalized world, we constantly come into contact with new cultures and subcultures that influence and reshape our values at a much faster pace and frequency than previous generations experienced with older technologies.

Solutions: Bringing More Value into Relationships

To counteract the loneliness epidemic, people need to consciously invest in building deep, value-based relationships. Here are some ways to achieve that:

• Reflect on your values: A helpful exercise is to become aware of the values you want to live by. 

  
  

• Evaluate existing relationships: Which relationships in your life are purely activity-based, and which are built on shared values? 

  
  

• Actively seek and discuss shared values: Instead of just talking about hobbies or work, engage in conversations about values, life philosophies, and personal, social, and political beliefs. 

  
  

• Maintain relationships beyond activities: True friendships are evident when people stay connected without a specific reason and are there for each other. 

  
  

Conclusion

The loneliness epidemic is, of course, multifaceted and complex. It is not just about a lack of social contacts but also about the quality of relationships and many other factors. While activity-based buddy relationships are often temporary and end when the activity does, value-based friendships tend to be long-lasting and provide support even through difficult times.

If you want to avoid loneliness, focus on forming deeper connections and consciously building relationships based on shared values.

Try our exercise to become more aware of your values and integrate them into your life: "Life Aligned with My Values" (Love & Sexuality, Exercise #17)