My Brother Voted Nazi. What Now? 10 Do’s and 10 Don’ts of De-escalation
- Enrico Fonte
- Oct 17
- 7 min read
Before asking how to talk to someone who supports Nazi or extremist ideas, it’s worth pausing for a moment and asking: why would someone go that far? Not to justify — but to understand.
Understanding is the only way to respond not just with anger, but with clarity and responsibility. Because behind every ideology of hate there is almost always a story of fear, loss, or unmet need.
When the Inner Animal Takes Over
In BodyMind Therapy, we often speak of the inner animal — the instinctive part that reacts to survive. It lives in the oldest parts of the brain and the body. When it feels threatened, it doesn’t think — it attacks, runs, or freezes. This energy isn’t “bad”: it’s our primal force, the one that protects us. But when it stays activated too long, fear turns into aggression.
Many extremist ideologies are born right there: from a frightened inner animal seeking safety in a pack that promises protection. Neuroscience shows that under stress or uncertainty, the brain’s capacity for empathy and complex thinking diminishes.
The amygdala — the brain’s fear center — takes over, while the prefrontal cortex — the reflective part — slows down. In simple terms: when we feel in danger, we stop thinking calmly and start thinking like survivors.
Those who join extremist groups find an explanation for their pain: “I’m not the problem — they are.”It’s the language of the wounded animal: fear disguised as strength.
The Inner Child and the Hunger for Belonging
Alongside the inner animal, BodyMind Therapy recognizes the inner child: the emotional, vulnerable part, hungry for love, recognition, and belonging.Even the hardest people carry within them a child who wants to be seen, protected, and welcomed.
Many former extremists say that before ideology came loneliness — the feeling of being excluded, humiliated, or insignificant.Then the group arrives, with its rituals, rules, and symbols. It calls you “brother,” gives you a place, a role, a meaning.
The inner child — finally feeling part of something — relaxes, even if the “love” it receives is conditional and violent. From the outside we see only anger; from the inside, it’s a craving for love dressed up as ideology.
When the Animal and the Child Meet in Fear
Extremist ideologies often form where these two forces intersect. The inner animal seeks safety; the inner child seeks belonging. Together, they create a powerful bond: “If I stay with my pack, I’ll be safe and loved.”
It’s a deeply bodily mechanism: adrenaline gives a sense of strength, closeness within the group releases oxytocin — the “bonding hormone” — and the brain interprets all of it as belonging and identity.
But when belonging is built on exclusion, the same energy that was meant to protect becomes destructive. Hatred is only organized fear.
The One Who Watches — and Is Shocked
Those who watch from the outside — a sibling, friend, or partner who feels horrified by a loved one’s Nazi vote — also enter an archetypal dynamic. The inner animal reacts with fear or anger: “How can they think like that?”The inner child feels betrayed, scared, powerless: “The world isn’t safe anymore.”
In these moments, the inner child is just as shaken, and the inner animal is just as frightened, as in the brother who turned extremist. Both parts need safety, meaning, and connection.
Giving yourself self-empathy means acknowledging your distress without judgment, feeling the fear in your body, and recognizing it as a sign of care — not weakness.
At the same time, it’s essential to seek empathy among people who share your values, so that emotions can be processed safely rather than dumped as rage or fear onto the family member who disagrees.Throwing aggression or despair at a loved one doesn’t heal the divide — it hardens it.
The body enters the same physiology of conflict: tense muscles, fast heartbeat, shallow breathing. It’s natural, but it risks feeding the same energy of separation.Only by recognizing within ourselves both the fearful animal and the suffering child can we stay centered and avoid reacting impulsively.That’s the first step — to speak instead of fight.
Identity, Fear, and the Need for Meaning
Social psychology shows that adherence to rigid ideologies often arises during times of disorientation or loss of social status.When a person no longer knows who they are, a group offering identity and rules becomes irresistible. It’s the logic of “us versus them”: the world feels simpler, chaos disappears.
Henri Tajfel’s Social Identity Theory explains that a sense of personal worth is built through belonging to a group perceived as “superior.”The extremist group becomes a prosthesis for a wounded self-esteem. Hatred toward others serves to feed a fragile sense of importance.
BodyMind Therapy views this integratively: extremist thinking doesn’t arise only in the mind, but in a body that has lost safety and connection.When the nervous system lives too long in threat mode, the person looks for an anchor — even a toxic one — to regain coherence and meaning.
Understanding Is Not Justifying
Understanding doesn’t mean accepting or minimizing. It means recognizing that hate doesn’t grow in a vacuum — it grows where fear and the need for belonging have no other space to be expressed. And it means knowing that any possible dialogue starts from the body — from breathing, posture, and tone.
Every time we respond with contempt, we activate the other person’s defensive animal.Every time we stay calm and human, we give their inner child a fleeting moment to feel that it doesn’t need an enemy to exist.
From Judgment to Contact
Change doesn’t begin when someone loses an argument, but when something inside them feels it can exist without fear.That’s why understanding matters more than judging. The goal isn’t to convince — it’s to create space.
The Mask of De-escalation in BodyMind Therapy
In BodyMind Therapy, the mask isn’t a lie but a conscious psycho-somatic posture. It allows us to stay present and regulated even when the environment or the other person triggers vulnerable or aggressive parts. It’s a way of “being on stage” while remaining authentic — without falling into emotional chaos or automatic reactivity.
Training this mask takes time and somatic awareness. Before entering emotionally charged conversations, it helps to practice with more neutral people.
When talking to a family member who says they want to vote for a neo-Nazi party, the goal is to embody the mask of de-escalation — calm, grounded curiosity.A soft body, steady breath, open gaze. The mind stays clear; the bond stays intact.
How to Talk to My Brother Who Wants to Vote for a Neo-Nazi Party
What to Say — and What Not to Say
Create human contact, not political combat.
“Okay, tell me what you find convincing about them — I want to understand what you see that I don’t.”
Don’t say:
“Are you insane? Do you even know what the Nazis did?”
Reflect the feelings beneath the anger.“
It sounds like you feel ignored, like no one listens to ordinary people.”
Don’t say:
“So you’ve fallen for those barroom populists too, huh?”
Keep calm and your body open.
“Let’s talk about it slowly. I really want to hear you.”
Don’t say:
“I can’t even stand listening to you.”
Ask curious questions, not logical traps.
“What makes you think that party could really improve your life?”
Don’t say:
“Did you even read their program, or just the memes on Facebook?”
Use stories, not accusations.
“I once met someone who thought like that, and after a while he realized he was closing himself off in resentment.”
Don’t say:
“You’re just like those fanatics shouting slogans at rallies.”
Show your limits with respect.
“When I hear certain things, my stomach tightens — it reminds me of our family’s history.”
Don’t say:
“If you keep this up, be ashamed to call yourself my brother.”
Offer real experiences, not moral sermons.
“There’s an event where refugees and locals work together — I’d like to go with you, just to see.”
Don’t say:
“You really need to get out of your ignorant bubble.”
Notice small signs of openness.
“I appreciate that you’re talking about this calmly.”
Don’t say:
“See? Finally you’re thinking like a normal person.”
Involve calm people, not allies for conflict.
“Maybe we could talk with Uncle — he studied history — but without arguing.”
Don’t say:
“Wait until Dad hears about this — he’ll set you straight.”
Accept that change takes time.
“I don’t expect you to change overnight — I just want us to keep talking.”
Don’t say:
“There’s no more dialogue with you. Period.”
Things to Avoid Altogether
Don’t raise your voice.
Don’t ridicule.
Don’t publicly shame.
Don’t weaponize family history.
Don’t fact-correct every sentence.
Don’t end the talk abruptly.
Don’t say “Let’s never talk about this again.”
Don’t drag in others’ anger.
Don’t guilt-trip.
Don’t treat them as a lost cause.
Conclusion
Talking to a loved one drawn to neo-Nazi ideology is not an act of conversion, but of regulation.The mask of de-escalation helps you stay centered when your body wants to react — breathe, feel your feet, keep your voice low and warm.
Emotional safety opens spaces where logic can’t reach. Calmness, curiosity, and respect don’t legitimize hate — they disarm it.
References
Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. Norton.
LeDoux, J. (2015). Anxious: Using the Brain to Understand and Treat Fear and Anxiety. Viking.
Tajfel, H., & Turner, J. C. (1979). An Integrative Theory of Intergroup Conflict. In: Austin, W. G. & Worchel, S. (Hrsg.), The Social Psychology of Intergroup Relations. Brooks/Cole.
Sapolsky, R. M. (2017). Behave: The Biology of Humans at Our Best and Worst. Penguin Press.
Payne, H., & St. Clair, M. (2020). BodyMind Approaches to Psychotherapy. Routledge.
Siegel, D. J. (2020). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. Guilford Press.
Kauffman, C. (2022). Compassionate Conversations: How to Speak and Listen from the Heart. North Atlantic Books.