Control in Relationships – The False Solution to Insecurity

How the Mask of Control Hides the Insecure Attachment of the Inner Child in Relationships – and How Trust Can Be the Real Answer

Control is seductive. It gives the illusion of having everything under control, of setting clear boundaries, of taming the chaos. But beneath the surface, something else often lies: fear. Lost trust. The old wound of "I'm not sure you'll stay." 

In Bodymind work, we recognize that control is rarely a sign of strength. It’s an attempt to hold something that can never truly be held from the outside: the inner attachment system.

The Mask of Control

In intimate relationships, control doesn’t always show up overtly. It hides in questions like:

• “Who are you texting?”

• “Why did you answer so late yesterday?”

• “I just want to know where you are.”

  
  

At first glance, these might sound like care or interest. But in reality, they often express an inner child that feels abandoned. Control becomes the mask that tries to cover this vulnerability.

And this mask adapts well. In some relationships, it turns into emotional withdrawal (“If I can’t control you, I don’t need you.”). In others, it becomes subtle manipulation or accusations.

But what it never creates is: safety.

Attachment Begins in the Body

In Bodymind Therapy, we don’t primarily meet these patterns cognitively – we meet them in the body. An inner child with insecure attachment can be felt as tension in the solar plexus, tightness in the diaphragm, or a lump in the throat when the need for closeness can’t be expressed.

Often, the nervous system has learned in early relationships:

• Closeness is unpredictable.

• I am only seen if I perform.

• If I let go, I’ll be disappointed.

These beliefs are stored in the body tissue – keeping us locked in old reaction patterns. Control becomes a somatic reaction to unpredictability. It feels like protection but is, in fact, a form of armor.

The Illusion of Control

When control becomes our guiding system, we don’t create real connection – we create a kind of internal security program. It says, “If I know everything, nothing can hurt me.” But this logic is misleading. Because control blocks the very thing that makes real connection possible: trust. Openness. Vulnerability.

In truth, control deepens the sense of disconnection. The attempt to know or manage everything reduces the aliveness of the relationship. Instead of trusting, we enter a cycle of suspicion, withdrawal, and reactivity.

Trust as a Body-Based Practice

Trust is not a decision – it’s a lived experience. It begins where the nervous system feels safe. And that’s exactly where Bodymind work begins:

• Creating breath space in the chest and belly

• Strengthening grounding through connection to the floor, the legs, and one’s own rhythm

• Identifying and releasing body patterns where tension = control

• Experiencing: I can feel without losing myself

Trust means: I don’t need to hold on to you in order to feel connected. I can feel you – and stay true to myself.

In relationships, that looks like:

• Presence instead of control

• Listening instead of interpreting

• Openness instead of testing

• Showing up instead of demanding

Letting Go of Control Is Not Naive

Many confuse trust with blindness. But real trust is radically honest. It senses when something doesn’t feel right – and expresses that in a connected way. Control, on the other hand, asks questions to protect itself. Trust asks questions to create closeness.

Bodymind approaches like working with inner parts, breath, and somatic regulation offer tools to navigate this transition. The path from the inner child to adult presence isn’t a single step – it’s a practice. But it’s the only path that allows for true connection.

The Inner Child in an Adult Romantic Relationship

When control is released, what often remains is insecurity. Taking responsibility for that doesn’t mean self-blame – it means lovingly acknowledging what we feel. In a mature relationship, the inner child can have a voice. It can say: “I feel unsure right now. Can you tell me you’re here?”

This step is not weak – it’s courageous. Because instead of choosing control, it chooses connection. But what if the answer doesn’t feel trustworthy? What if doubt remains, even after genuine reassurance?

Then it’s worth exploring two layers:

1. Was trust truly broken in the relationship?Was there an experience where transparency wasn’t respected, boundaries were crossed, or emotional closeness was denied? If so, the doubt may not be about the past, but a real and present issue. This deserves honest repair.

   
   

2. Or is an old part reacting – shaped by unreliable attachment experiences?If the insecurity doesn’t match the current situation, it might be the voice of an inner child who learned: “Affection is dangerous.” or “I’m not allowed to need too much.” In this case, the request for reassurance is still valid – but it needs inner accompaniment, not outer control.

The invitation is this: ask for reassurance – not to test your partner, but to create connection.

And if doubt arises: check whether it reflects an old wound – or whether your body is signaling that something really feels off. Either way, your experience deserves space, compassion, and perhaps therapeutic support.

Because the goal is not to learn how to live with insecurity – it is to never again feel consistently unsafe, by first creating security within yourself, and then allowing it to grow in your relationship.